Why I support marriage equality…

Other titles:  why I mind my own business

Or why I choose not to be offended about other people’s lives and choices

(Disclaimer – this is written largely to a Christian audience as that’s my background)

1. Judge not, lest you be judged (Mt 7, 1-3)
2. Greatest commandment:  Love one another, as I have loved you so that others will know you are my disciples (John 13: 34-35). 
3. The church has been accepting/rejecting/adjusting its attitude to and understanding of the bible for centuries.  Does it mean God has changed? No – it means society has changed, thank goodness.  Other biblical dictates punishable by death include planting two different crops side by side, laying with your wife within 7 days of menstruation, leaving pots outside at night right way up and unruly teenage boy behaviour. 
4. Marriage is older than the bible and Judeo-Christian culture.  Every culture and society has had its version of relationship commitment and coming together for the purpose of  raising families.  It’s a little arrogant of any of us to say that we own something - and the church does not own marriage.
5. The church needs to check that its attitude is not creating a barrier between certain groups and the Message of the church.  JC surrounded himself with those whom the church rejected.  I suggest you do the same.
6. The Christian church has dragged the chain on many social changes that we now see as human rights and enlightened... such as women’s being their own person (not the property of a man) – gender equality, the right to freedom from violence for women and children, abolition of slavery and racial equality

This is just the next thing that the church will struggle with and finally move on.

Exsqueese me – are we reading the same bible?

(Sub-titled… This is what I think about the recent law-change to the definition of marriage… in a round about kind of way…)

Humans excel at creating stereotypes, prejudice and grouping – it’s a default human behaviour. We create groups to keep ourselves in and others out. Somehow this helps us feel ok about ourselves. We manage our insecurities by knowing the rules of the group we are in and our place within it. We divide the world into class and country, colour and race, gender and beauty, religion and sexuality. Socials norms guide our behaviour, our attitudes, our identity and our groupings, which can be ok. Unfortunately, social norms can become rather rigid. In our effort to define ourselves, we alienate others who do not fit. It starts in school with girls who ostracize a misfitting friend, boys who mercilessly pick on a smaller boy, right through to wars on the basis of racial or religious differences. This is not God’s plan for a beautiful world full of harmony and community. The Kingdom of Heaven, that the Messiah signposted, is the very opposite of this. Jesus calls for us to care for the ‘least among you’ (Luke 9v48 onwards). The Kingdom of God is the community we build that breaks down stereotypes and prejudices, that breaks down the walls of the ghettos we have created. That welcomes the outsider, the other, the different.

Yeah, I know that many God-fearing individuals claim that their prejudices are biblical. But really, we choose to interpret or emphasise passages that endorse our (already present) prejudices; those that serve our groupings and our stereotypes. We choose to use the bible not to challenge our arrogance and fear, but to endorse it. It takes a lot of courage to honour someone else, someone different, someone ‘other’. It’s easier not to. So then we look for ‘reasons’ that our stance is ok.

But I just can’t help it, I cannot read my bible without being confronted to go beyond what feels safe. It challenges my arrogance, my desire to surround myself with like people, who endorse and strengthen my sense of identity in my human group and my superiority.  The challenges start with what Jesus calls the greatest commandment. ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself”. A song we used to sing as children translated “Love your neighbour as yourself” as “love all mankind”. But do some of us sing this song with a wee attitudinal disclaimer like, ‘oh sorry not the gay ones. Sorry God I can’t do that’. And I get it, I know it’s hard to love others’, those who are different; with a different faith, with different preferences or lifestyles, but don’t tell me you get permission from the bible you’re reading. That’s a lie you tell yourself to let yourself off the hook.

There’s another great story that Jesus told about the man who ended up owing the equivalent of millions to the King – an amount he could never repay (Matt 18:21-35). It’s a picture of us, and the enormity of what we have received from the Creator of the universe and the idea that no matter what, we can never repay it, but we can accept the grace with which it’s given. In the story, the person who has been forgiven so much (ie between man and God – quite an unbalanced arrangement there!) goes about his business and finds he cannot forgive the insignificant debt of his fellow man (an equal footing relationship). We do this – we have been given everything, yet we hold this offence against our brothers and sisters who live differently to us. Regardless of the rightness or wrongness of the behaviour (something I find quite irrelevant) we do this – we withhold forgiveness and love and community from our fellow man because of what we think they have done and our judgements towards them. Hardly the biblical moral high ground here.

Shall I start on planks and specks? We have a gradient of ‘sin’ don’t we… as humans we judge the behaviour of others as minor sin, bad sin, and really bad sin. The bible says gossipers wont inherit the kingdom of God (Gal 5:21, I Cor 6:9-11) but we don’t excommunicate the elders’ wives who can’t help themselves do we? Y’know that prayer chain y’all have – it’s a gossip chain, let’s be honest. We have decided that we will tolerate gossip (even though it’s pretty clear in the gospel) but same-sex attraction is the worst.sin.ever. Planks and specks people. Planks and specks.

The parable of the Good Samaritan comes to mind as the most obvious. Some of the disgust is lost on our modern ears but the Samaritan was a lesser man in the eyes of the Jewish listeners, from a despised culture; religiously deviant. They were often referred to as dogs, yet Jesus holds him up as a role model for the one who behaved with dignity and love. Take another look how you look at this person, asks Jesus, maybe it’s your perspective that’s out of kilter. In the light of this parable, one has to ask the question. Who are the Samaritans in our world? Would we accept ministry from them?


And let’s talk about heart condition. We go about our lives as hypocrites, saying I am sure God will forgive my interest in porn, or addiction to playstation, or ignorance of injustice, or wasting my time, talents and resources, or hiding my light, or wallowing in consumerism – but thank you God I’m not gay. Sound a little like a Pharisee we all know? Check out Luke 18:9-14 for a few thoughts of Jesus of a man congratulating himself of his own self-righteousness. We have all fallen short of the Glory of God (Rom 3:23) and his plan for human existence. Salvation is not earned by works so that none of us should boast (Eph 2:9). We know that it’s our heart condition that makes a difference (see the sermon on the mount – Matt 5). It is logically possible I would think, to live a ‘perfect life’, managing to avoid any of the really bad sin; murder, adultery, even wanting your neighbour's donkey ie consumerism and greed (Ex 20). It is possible. But if you are able to do this AND you are prejudiced in your heart towards your fellow man who lives a different sexual lifestyle – then you have fallen short of the Kingdom of God – as Jesus proclaimed. God’s heart breaks for the people who suffer prejudice everyday (the least of these) but also for us – those of us who live the Christian life but have missed the point. Missed the point of what a transformed life looks like; an inclusive life, a loving community that reaches out and does not barricade its borders; a life that does not sit within the confines of stereotype and prejudice. But for many; religion is just another form of prejudice.

I could go on, day after day after day about how the Bible I read alters my attitude and my behaviour towards my fellow man and how I seem to be moving further and further away from other interpretations of the bible. The messages I get from the Word are loud and clear; to Love the Lord my God with all that I am and everything I have, and love all of mankind, no matter how I view their (insignificant) behaviour. I’m a little bit tired of a world that sees the Christian faith as list of don’ts. The law (biblical or governmental) has never freed anyone from anything. It binds and controls. But the Kingdom of God is an invitation to a life of ‘dos’– Do love your neighbour, do unto others, do practise love and kindness and faithfulness and self control, and peace and patience, and, and, and... Be transformed through the renewing of your mind (Rom 12:2) and be free from the human condition that separates, and judges, and hates, and prejudices. Do humility, do justice, do mercy (Micah 6v8) no caveats, no disclaimers, no insiders, no outsiders, no in-crowd, no untouchables. That’s my God. That’s my bible.

Fierce intention: discovering Jesus the Man

What are the immediate traits that come to mind when we think of Jesus?  Do we think of Jesus – the man on a dangerous mission, a mission impossible even?  A man who met an evil and broken world with a superior and fierce intention?  Do we think of a man with such authority he influenced  Kings, political figures, religious leaders, evil spirits, soldiers and death?

Do we think of a man who was born into an era of ethnic cleansing in an effort to eliminate him from history? A baby who was in such danger, angels were sent to give messages to many to protect him.  Do we think of a man who was hunted?

Do we quickly think of a man whose anger welled up from such a deep place within him, that when he called Lazarus from the tomb, the booming sound reminded John of the ferocity of a storm or rushing waters.

Do we automatically think of a man who, in his three years of early public life, was constantly feeling death; riots, crowds and danger.  Do we think of a Jesus who at one point, was so stressed he sweat blood?

The life of Jesus is as full of suspense, danger and atrocity as any nail biting blockbuster movie.  I would like to see that story told – a man who faced danger at every turn, whose voice controlled the weather and death, whose fierce intention caused an uproar in the temple, a Jesus who journeyed to Hell and back, to take the keys from the grip of a tyrannical nemesis to save mankind.
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What is our response to this Jesus?  This saviour.  This Hero.  This Hero whose personality is a tension between a mighty warrior and passionate shepherd who risks all for the lost sheep.  The one.  You.  Me.

Unfathomable wisdom

Being a parent offers me endless opportunities to learn more about who God is.  One such teaching moment involved both of my 9 year old sons.  One son filled his mouth so full of muffin that he gagged.  We had friends over so he had a number of bystanders, who also looked quite anxious.  He looked terrified and I had to run around the kitchen bench to try and assist him, but as I reached him he spluttered and the offending morsel fell from his mouth.  He looked as though he was about to cry but instead said something in relief that was quite funny.  The whole room laughed taking this sensitive wee man by surprise, and then did start to cry as he thought everyone was laughing at him.  I turned to embrace him and reassure of this – explain how sometimes people’s reactions are confusing and that his friends had laughed in relief, not at his misfortune.  We often do this for our children - build scaffolding around their misunderstanding; try to explain the confusing world around them in ways that meets them where they are at.  Human interactions and emotions can be particularly difficult to navigate – parents offer much needed frameworks for their children to work in.  Little man number one seemed appeased.   However, little man number two; his brother, my son stepped in at that point and for some reason, felt the need to defend his brother, thinking I had done him an injustice, and pointed out that I had in some way said (and always say – he accused) the wrong thing.  Now twins often give parents challenging situations in terms of fairness, equity, doing the right thing when each child needs a different ‘right’ thing.  It’s true of all siblings, but twins have their own unique nuances.  Equal does not always mean fair.  Being seen to be fair is also not always the same as being fair. 

I smiled indulgently at his 9 year old view of the situation.  He didn’t see what I, the mother saw.  He failed to see the embarrassment of his brother the same way I did and misjudged my response to it, or maybe he did see the embarrassment of his brother and felt my response was inappropriate.   I looked at this little boy like Goliath looked at David, amused by his outburst.  In the same moment I was both confused by his interpretation of the situation, but impressed by his boldness against this perceived injustice.  He is nine, he still idolises me.  He can still be reduced to a blithering mess by a stern word from me.  At that moment, my reaction could have crushed him.  [it didn’t – no children were emotionally damaged in the making of this blog].  I imagine that his comment was an immediate reaction and not well thought through.  I suspect his courage in that moment (that also enables him to sport a rat’s tail in the face of some pretty strong adult opposition and teasing) will both serve him well and get him in to trouble.  
  
Aren’t we like this with God?  I am sure God smiles indulgently at our immature understandings of His nature at times; His motivations, His wisdom that we don’t fathom.  Humans question Him constantly.  “God, why did you let this happen or that happen, make me like this, allow wars, hunger, poverty?”  In the book Crazy Love, Francis Chan flips these questions, and wonders if God is asking that of us “Considering who I am, all I have created, all I have sacrificed, all I have given you in this beautiful world with its resources and abundance, why do you allow poverty, war, destruction, hatred, abuse...?”   I can see this thinking reflected in loving families where children have received every available love and resource and opportunity, and still abuse themselves, live selfishly, become damaged and don’t live up to their own potential.  God has given us so much, what is our response?  To question?  To struggle and rage against our circumstances, or what?  To honour, to love, to respect, to give and sacrifice relentlessly for God and man, to give wholeheartedly and love unconditionally?  This is what we have been given, right?  Do we give it back?

With the little understanding I have been given of the nature of God and his love towards me; a love that paid the ultimate price, I pray for His scaffolding to surround my place of immature understanding, as I grow in understanding. 

My girl friend who was there at the time, only just hid her amusement and now continually ribs me for not getting anything right (according to nine year old wisdom) just to keep me humble.  I think I will print it on a t-shirt one day.

Porn... where's the line

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil 4v8

Objectifying another person (male or female) hurts the viewer. It may well have effects on the person of object also but it shifts the viewers perception of the world. Just like prejudice. By definition prejudice doesn’t have to affect another person... once it becomes an action against another person it becomes an ‘ism’ - racism, sexism, ageism. Once you have influence over another person you are racist, sexist, ageist, and you have power to hurt another person. It’s the same with sexual objectification. Objectifying another person may not hurt that person, watching porn, using the image of another person for personal gratification, thinking about them sexually but it affects the viewer. Once it becomes an unwanted action its abuse. But just as prejudice affects the holder of the prejudice, objectification also affects the person with those attitudes. It comes down to how you respect all people.

If I only see that person as a hot body, or use their image to produce the right effect in me (like a drug) - Is that bad? Maybe not, but is it good? Is it negative? Maybe not. But is it positive, productive, promotive? Will it produce good things or bad things?

‘The line’ ofcourse is the ten commandments, the ‘thou shalt nots’ the do nots, the rules, the boundaries, the bottom lines. As long as I avoid the commandments can I live a good life? Does the absence of bad equal the presence of good. No it doesn’t. Jesus came to fulfil the law – to fulfil the rules by promoting life. He gave us a model of how to live, not just what to avoid. Instead of following the rules, following the guidelines of a positive existence.

Looking at any human as just one thing (a brain, a body) affects the viewer. It may well disrespect them but what is even more important is what it does to us, it shifts our assessment of value, respect, humanity. We as humans have a tendency to use people, for employment, for sex, for service, for projects, to meet our needs, and need s are subjective (ie fetishes, attractions to children etc). That’s why the law is such a cornerstone of our society, because we need so many rules so we don’t overuse people or take advantage of them. (Many just manage to use and take advantage of the law however).

But God made us that way. He made us for relationship with himself and with each other. Many of our negative human interactions with each other are maladpations of innate and divine need for relationship. God made us who we are, not what we are. He made us to be seen to be valued, loved, adored, cherished.

Is it ok for me to use that person’s image to meet my sexual needs? Maybe, but what does it do to me, does it meet my need for intimacy? Does it meet my need for relationship? Does it respect that person for who they really are? Do I even see who they really are? Have I reduced them down to an object rather than a divine creation with so much to offer this world. The far reaching effects of objectification are rampant. We see children internalising what the world tells them; dumb, dramatic, intelligent, sporty. If the world says it’s ok to be an object, then many will internalise this. How else can the porn industry survive?
If I am willing to objectify that one person that makes it ok for all people to objectify one person. That’s a lot of people in the world who have been reduced to an object. Many of those people will start to believe that that is all they are; reducing their abilities and value in the world, they will stop believing that they have anything to offer this world except visual stimulation. The world needs more people who believe in themselves, who think that being used is not ok, never ok. We have so much to offer. If we are talking about women especially, women have so much to offer but the truth of the matter is that women the world over are being used. Used as objects, as servants, for sex. For me, it’s not ok to use anyone for anything. Because if I say it’s ok here in my corner of the world, then where’s the line.

If the world was right, and all people, women specifically were using their true gifts to contribute to the world, there would definitely be sexual art. The body is beautiful, exquisite, divine. The effect to the viewer would be appreciation, love, honour, respect, desire.

But there would not be porn for pure gratification, that produces greed disrespect, distortion. Today my prayer is for all the girls who have looked in the mirror after a days working on set having sex with a man she probably doesn’t love, or worse she does, in front of a room full of people orchestrating her sexuality, and wondered why she feels so lost. I pray for her to be aware of a creator God who made her for relationship with Him and with others. I pray that she finds the respect for herself to move on and want something more. To be something more.

Fatal Attribution Error

I get really upset with Christians who think that their faith makes them superior in the ‘goodness’ department. Unfortunately I see very little evidence of this. I think I am unusual in a few ways to my faithful friends as I have many non-Christian friends. In fact the ratio could be in favour of the non.  It's not liek me to make a list.  It seems I can look past the difference in faith and connect with the person. And, second, I don’t think I have the Christian attentional blindness that many seem to have. The fact that someone is a Christian does not filter out the bad stuff as it does for some.

It also seems short-sighted for Christians to take responsibility for the goodness in society based on some sort of thinking that our laws and morality are based on Christian principles. Which society?  Which culture. You can’t say that its a Christian influence in Chinese culture, or Indian culture and you also cannot say that they are devoid of goodness.

Christians have been the main supporters of slavery, wife beating for discipline and physical punishment of children. We do not move forward quickly. We are often way behind in excellence, in skills, in business nous and social reform. Those of us who are the leaders in social reform often have the biggest battles on our own front door step.

I find it crazy to think of the world in terms of religion. Religion is man made. It has to be. Man has been making religions for centuries (or longer – I am no anthropologist). I think more broadly in terms of creation. God is bigger than religion, bigger than Christianity. He has to be. All humans, as part of God’s creation, bear the imprint of the creator. We are all capable of doing amazing things. We are all capable of doing very broken fallen things. Ofcourse Jesus brings a difference, he throws us the lifejacket, before the ship sinks. Being Christian motivates many to be better. Love does that. It motivates us to be better. If you have found love in Christianity it motivates you. Christianity becomes the reason to be a better human. But it is humanness.

If we truly want to be effective Christians we need to deal with our attitude that we are somehow better humans because we are Christian. We may be, we may not be. It actually doesn’t matter. We are all the same, and other people who we are trying to help will pick up on hipocracy or self righteousness very quickly. It’s why there is so much distrust of the church. Others can see that Christians are no different as plain as day. Our belief that we are better, is just laughable. We are no better. We may have a few answers, we may have found The Way. We may have found Truth and Peace, and Light. But that is all about the Lifejacket, not the person wearing it.

I am judgemental – I know it, but I like to think I am slow to judge and use more objective measures than religion. If you are a Christian, I will hold that lightly. That in itself will not get you extra credit in my book. In fact I think I will judge more strongly. Do you show a difference, do you reflect the difference that your faith should give you? Are you more generous, more giving, more loving, more peaceful, more self controlled? Unfortunately I have not seen much of a difference between Christian and non. I am surrounded by a community of people whom I love unconditionally and who have given to me of themselves in ways that I would expect a faith based community to give, but most of them are not. They bear the mark of their Creator, they may not know it yet, and one day I will consider it a privilege to talk to them about the ‘Lifejacket’ that we all need; the Saviour that I know. I hope that my love for them has given me the position of trusted friend. But in the mean time, they are all beautiful people, children of the living God, as ‘good’, sometimes moreso than the Christians I know, capable of human greatness and reflecting the beauty of our Creator.

The fact that I don’t believe there is any difference between Christians and non-Christians in the goodness department doesn’t undermine my belief in the importance of Christian community. We all need to belong to groups that share our values, our beliefs etc. I just find the arrogant, self-congratulatory hypocrisy quite disgusting, and find it hardly surprising that outsiders don’t find it attractive either.

Skin Deep

Femininity can be a two edged sword. Luckily for me I was a late bloomer, so had plenty of practise being ok with who I was. I pursued character from a young age, fuelled by a desire to know the living God with passion.

During my twenties, the golden age for beauty, fashion and exploring relationships I was challenging those versions of beauty and the body. Pregnancy, labour, birth and breastfeeding in their way intimately challenge our sense of body and beauty. My first two babies were girls. Despite my lack of enthusiasm for raising two girls, for all the gender role moulding and myths of beauty I knew they would endure, they have taught me, through their innate beauty, to face my fear of being female.

It’s a challenge for all women – a challenge for women who don’t meet the world’s criteria for attractiveness and never measure up. It can make or break a person. It’s a challenge for those who do meet the standard not to fall into the trap of letting their physical beauty define them, or let that be the thing that makes them ok, as it’s a shallow advantage. I have beautiful daughters, even by the world’s measure. Without ignoring their need to be appreciated for their physical attributes, I have concentrated on encouraging them to think more deeply about beauty, about integrity, character, personality, what they can offer the world, encouraging others, and accepting themselves more deeply than what’s on the surface. I hope I have done a good job.

A friend of mine who is a young attractive fashionable dancer, who is also academically talented is feeling the weight of low expectation in her university astronomy class, full of young talented intellectuals. She may end up toning down her ‘looks’ to fit in, she may not, she may embrace the challenge and show them what she’s got. Either way she has a choice. I hope she chooses to be herself.

It’s our challenge to confidently face the dual responsibility of being a woman; feminine and attractive, or androgynous and hardy – first to not be afraid of it, second to not let it define you, and definitely not let others let it define you. I guess thirdly, is not to use it without integrity. This world needs more women who accept themselves and accept others, without resorting to competition, women who behave as though beauty, love and acceptance are unlimited resources. A woman who accepts the skin she is in, accepts her body and herself is disarming, captivating, and makes those around her feel comfortable, without the need to perform to be accepted, and able to find love, acceptance and connection. We give others a great gift when we are comfortable with who we are.

I define me, whether I know it or not, I have that power. Personally, I let my God and my faith define me. I am beautiful, not because I happen to biologically meet some arbitrary worldly criteria, but because my Creator made me in his image. Beauty points to our creator, but attractiveness is only skin deep. Cultivating beauty takes a lifetime of character, integrity and being happy in our own skin. And we all can be that.