Porn... where's the line

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil 4v8

Objectifying another person (male or female) hurts the viewer. It may well have effects on the person of object also but it shifts the viewers perception of the world. Just like prejudice. By definition prejudice doesn’t have to affect another person... once it becomes an action against another person it becomes an ‘ism’ - racism, sexism, ageism. Once you have influence over another person you are racist, sexist, ageist, and you have power to hurt another person. It’s the same with sexual objectification. Objectifying another person may not hurt that person, watching porn, using the image of another person for personal gratification, thinking about them sexually but it affects the viewer. Once it becomes an unwanted action its abuse. But just as prejudice affects the holder of the prejudice, objectification also affects the person with those attitudes. It comes down to how you respect all people.

If I only see that person as a hot body, or use their image to produce the right effect in me (like a drug) - Is that bad? Maybe not, but is it good? Is it negative? Maybe not. But is it positive, productive, promotive? Will it produce good things or bad things?

‘The line’ ofcourse is the ten commandments, the ‘thou shalt nots’ the do nots, the rules, the boundaries, the bottom lines. As long as I avoid the commandments can I live a good life? Does the absence of bad equal the presence of good. No it doesn’t. Jesus came to fulfil the law – to fulfil the rules by promoting life. He gave us a model of how to live, not just what to avoid. Instead of following the rules, following the guidelines of a positive existence.

Looking at any human as just one thing (a brain, a body) affects the viewer. It may well disrespect them but what is even more important is what it does to us, it shifts our assessment of value, respect, humanity. We as humans have a tendency to use people, for employment, for sex, for service, for projects, to meet our needs, and need s are subjective (ie fetishes, attractions to children etc). That’s why the law is such a cornerstone of our society, because we need so many rules so we don’t overuse people or take advantage of them. (Many just manage to use and take advantage of the law however).

But God made us that way. He made us for relationship with himself and with each other. Many of our negative human interactions with each other are maladpations of innate and divine need for relationship. God made us who we are, not what we are. He made us to be seen to be valued, loved, adored, cherished.

Is it ok for me to use that person’s image to meet my sexual needs? Maybe, but what does it do to me, does it meet my need for intimacy? Does it meet my need for relationship? Does it respect that person for who they really are? Do I even see who they really are? Have I reduced them down to an object rather than a divine creation with so much to offer this world. The far reaching effects of objectification are rampant. We see children internalising what the world tells them; dumb, dramatic, intelligent, sporty. If the world says it’s ok to be an object, then many will internalise this. How else can the porn industry survive?
If I am willing to objectify that one person that makes it ok for all people to objectify one person. That’s a lot of people in the world who have been reduced to an object. Many of those people will start to believe that that is all they are; reducing their abilities and value in the world, they will stop believing that they have anything to offer this world except visual stimulation. The world needs more people who believe in themselves, who think that being used is not ok, never ok. We have so much to offer. If we are talking about women especially, women have so much to offer but the truth of the matter is that women the world over are being used. Used as objects, as servants, for sex. For me, it’s not ok to use anyone for anything. Because if I say it’s ok here in my corner of the world, then where’s the line.

If the world was right, and all people, women specifically were using their true gifts to contribute to the world, there would definitely be sexual art. The body is beautiful, exquisite, divine. The effect to the viewer would be appreciation, love, honour, respect, desire.

But there would not be porn for pure gratification, that produces greed disrespect, distortion. Today my prayer is for all the girls who have looked in the mirror after a days working on set having sex with a man she probably doesn’t love, or worse she does, in front of a room full of people orchestrating her sexuality, and wondered why she feels so lost. I pray for her to be aware of a creator God who made her for relationship with Him and with others. I pray that she finds the respect for herself to move on and want something more. To be something more.

Fatal Attribution Error

I get really upset with Christians who think that their faith makes them superior in the ‘goodness’ department. Unfortunately I see very little evidence of this. I think I am unusual in a few ways to my faithful friends as I have many non-Christian friends. In fact the ratio could be in favour of the non.  It's not liek me to make a list.  It seems I can look past the difference in faith and connect with the person. And, second, I don’t think I have the Christian attentional blindness that many seem to have. The fact that someone is a Christian does not filter out the bad stuff as it does for some.

It also seems short-sighted for Christians to take responsibility for the goodness in society based on some sort of thinking that our laws and morality are based on Christian principles. Which society?  Which culture. You can’t say that its a Christian influence in Chinese culture, or Indian culture and you also cannot say that they are devoid of goodness.

Christians have been the main supporters of slavery, wife beating for discipline and physical punishment of children. We do not move forward quickly. We are often way behind in excellence, in skills, in business nous and social reform. Those of us who are the leaders in social reform often have the biggest battles on our own front door step.

I find it crazy to think of the world in terms of religion. Religion is man made. It has to be. Man has been making religions for centuries (or longer – I am no anthropologist). I think more broadly in terms of creation. God is bigger than religion, bigger than Christianity. He has to be. All humans, as part of God’s creation, bear the imprint of the creator. We are all capable of doing amazing things. We are all capable of doing very broken fallen things. Ofcourse Jesus brings a difference, he throws us the lifejacket, before the ship sinks. Being Christian motivates many to be better. Love does that. It motivates us to be better. If you have found love in Christianity it motivates you. Christianity becomes the reason to be a better human. But it is humanness.

If we truly want to be effective Christians we need to deal with our attitude that we are somehow better humans because we are Christian. We may be, we may not be. It actually doesn’t matter. We are all the same, and other people who we are trying to help will pick up on hipocracy or self righteousness very quickly. It’s why there is so much distrust of the church. Others can see that Christians are no different as plain as day. Our belief that we are better, is just laughable. We are no better. We may have a few answers, we may have found The Way. We may have found Truth and Peace, and Light. But that is all about the Lifejacket, not the person wearing it.

I am judgemental – I know it, but I like to think I am slow to judge and use more objective measures than religion. If you are a Christian, I will hold that lightly. That in itself will not get you extra credit in my book. In fact I think I will judge more strongly. Do you show a difference, do you reflect the difference that your faith should give you? Are you more generous, more giving, more loving, more peaceful, more self controlled? Unfortunately I have not seen much of a difference between Christian and non. I am surrounded by a community of people whom I love unconditionally and who have given to me of themselves in ways that I would expect a faith based community to give, but most of them are not. They bear the mark of their Creator, they may not know it yet, and one day I will consider it a privilege to talk to them about the ‘Lifejacket’ that we all need; the Saviour that I know. I hope that my love for them has given me the position of trusted friend. But in the mean time, they are all beautiful people, children of the living God, as ‘good’, sometimes moreso than the Christians I know, capable of human greatness and reflecting the beauty of our Creator.

The fact that I don’t believe there is any difference between Christians and non-Christians in the goodness department doesn’t undermine my belief in the importance of Christian community. We all need to belong to groups that share our values, our beliefs etc. I just find the arrogant, self-congratulatory hypocrisy quite disgusting, and find it hardly surprising that outsiders don’t find it attractive either.

Skin Deep

Femininity can be a two edged sword. Luckily for me I was a late bloomer, so had plenty of practise being ok with who I was. I pursued character from a young age, fuelled by a desire to know the living God with passion.

During my twenties, the golden age for beauty, fashion and exploring relationships I was challenging those versions of beauty and the body. Pregnancy, labour, birth and breastfeeding in their way intimately challenge our sense of body and beauty. My first two babies were girls. Despite my lack of enthusiasm for raising two girls, for all the gender role moulding and myths of beauty I knew they would endure, they have taught me, through their innate beauty, to face my fear of being female.

It’s a challenge for all women – a challenge for women who don’t meet the world’s criteria for attractiveness and never measure up. It can make or break a person. It’s a challenge for those who do meet the standard not to fall into the trap of letting their physical beauty define them, or let that be the thing that makes them ok, as it’s a shallow advantage. I have beautiful daughters, even by the world’s measure. Without ignoring their need to be appreciated for their physical attributes, I have concentrated on encouraging them to think more deeply about beauty, about integrity, character, personality, what they can offer the world, encouraging others, and accepting themselves more deeply than what’s on the surface. I hope I have done a good job.

A friend of mine who is a young attractive fashionable dancer, who is also academically talented is feeling the weight of low expectation in her university astronomy class, full of young talented intellectuals. She may end up toning down her ‘looks’ to fit in, she may not, she may embrace the challenge and show them what she’s got. Either way she has a choice. I hope she chooses to be herself.

It’s our challenge to confidently face the dual responsibility of being a woman; feminine and attractive, or androgynous and hardy – first to not be afraid of it, second to not let it define you, and definitely not let others let it define you. I guess thirdly, is not to use it without integrity. This world needs more women who accept themselves and accept others, without resorting to competition, women who behave as though beauty, love and acceptance are unlimited resources. A woman who accepts the skin she is in, accepts her body and herself is disarming, captivating, and makes those around her feel comfortable, without the need to perform to be accepted, and able to find love, acceptance and connection. We give others a great gift when we are comfortable with who we are.

I define me, whether I know it or not, I have that power. Personally, I let my God and my faith define me. I am beautiful, not because I happen to biologically meet some arbitrary worldly criteria, but because my Creator made me in his image. Beauty points to our creator, but attractiveness is only skin deep. Cultivating beauty takes a lifetime of character, integrity and being happy in our own skin. And we all can be that.